Naproxen sodium tablets USP 220 mg with 8 to 12 hour dosing. Do not use if the imprinted foil seal under the cap is broken or missing. Do not use if you are suicidal or cannot control the number of little tablets you take. Do not use if you think this is going to get you closer to god. Do not use if you think this will get you laid. Do not give to someone else claiming it is some exotic new drug that will make you feel more energetic but not really high, just kind of generally more optimistic about life. Do not use if you have a huge gash in your forehead and really should go to the emergency room. Do not use if you’re on prozac, abuten, sneezefree, hellagood, skatermadnessXpro, sleepalot, nothink, brainfreeze and are drinking more than six drinks of alcohol an hour.
Do not use if you are too stupid to read the label. Do not use if you are under three years of age or over 105. do not use if you cannot swallow a pill and have to have it mashed up and served to you in a spoon with strawberry jam. do not use if you’re just curious. Do not use if the imprinted foil seal under the cap is broken or missing. Do not use if there’s drool on the pills. Do not use if you found the bottle in the street. Do not use if somebody just gave you the bottle and said, hey, dude, take some of these. Do not use if the pills are discolored or if there is anything in the bottle other than the pills, especially spiders, ants or other bugs. Do not use if there is blue mold or fungus growing on the pills, Do not use if the pills are soggy because they got all wet. Do not use if you cannot read directions. Do not use if you don’t know what you’re doing. Do not use if you’re a total moron. Do not use if you are not human. Do not use if you have no sensation of any kind in any of your extremities. Do not use if you have no sense of smell. Do not use if you are hanging upside down. Do not use if anyone is watching. Do not use around children. Do not use in a cheap hotel room. Do not use just on a whim. Do not use if you are under 16. Do not use while driving. Do not use while taking your SATs. Do not use if you want to get into med school. Do not use if your girlfriend is mad at you. Do not use, period. It’s dumb and it won’t make anything any better. Just do not use. You’re crazy to think it could even help. It won’t help. We’ve been over this.
We’ve been over and over this. just do not use. make it simple for yourself. Why make all these conditions? It’s easier to just not use at all. So just do not use. Forget the fucking foil seal. who gives a fuck about the foil seal? when did that become such a big thing anyway? why are we so paranoid about the foil seal? and it’s an imprinted foil seal? Give me a break. why imprinted? what is this shit? don’t get me started.
Do not use. right. like me saying do not use is going to make any difference. you’re going to use if you want to, broken imprinted foil seal or not. I’m just saying, for your own good. like it says here. do not use. just do not use, period.
do not use.
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Cary Tennis is the advice columnist for Salon.com
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